oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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