Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Randomize
