You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
