New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
