My friends, they love my intelligence
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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