My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
