I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
