So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
