last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
