Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
