you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
