bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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