Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
