It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
This is classic penis vs brain.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
