May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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