Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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