Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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