his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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