I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
