im about as happy as oj after his trial
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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