no. you can't hotbox the world.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
