her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
