apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
