He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
