highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
