At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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