My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
