i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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