Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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