3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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