The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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