I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
