At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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