does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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