I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
