At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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