so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
