if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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