Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
