his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
