Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So squirting runs in the family.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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