I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You left your underwear on the fireplace
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize