the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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