Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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