It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
