first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
