I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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