oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
