If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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