If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
