Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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