my phone needs a breathalizer
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
