Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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