We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
