we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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