I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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