you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
