I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
