I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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