Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
