3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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