i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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