one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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