totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
