i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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